Wednesday, December 13, 2006

An Open Letter to a Certain Elderly Relative

People have lived in the Upper Midwest and dealt with extremely cold weather for years without freezing to death. It is, in fact, possible to warm one's house to a livable temperature even when it is below zero degrees fahrenheit outside. Really. Truly. I realize that you feel that you have a hard time warming your house when it is below forty degrees out, but it is, in fact, possible. Yes, it is very cold. All winter. In the north. No, we do not get lake effect snows, since Minneapolis is hundreds of miles from any of the great lakes. I do not live anywhere near Buffalo or Chicago, so even if those two cities have gotten tons of snow, I may not have gotten any. Every time you talk to me in the winter, it will be colder where I live than where you live. Really. With all due respect, can we get back to discussing the details of your current medication regimen?

15 comments:

Whit said...

ROTFLMAO!

Seriously - I shouldn't have been reading this in the middle of a conference call. I will call the elderly relative this afternoon for the sheer hilarity of hearing about the conversation from said relative's point of view.

From now on you should choose all your residences based on the type of weather phenomenon that can be commented on.

Anonymous said...

Tori says: I have no idea to whom you might be referring...does this person have a clone? (ask whit:) ) Actually, you and I could swap weather stories, but it gets boring after the third time you tell someone how eyebrows freeze in subzero temperatures if you go outside too soon after a shower :)

Grendel said...

lol. But it hasn't really been cold yet this year at all. . . It's not cold until the alcohol thermometers break (don't knw what temperature that's at, but it's somewhere below -50.)

maryski said...

yeah ROTFLMAO too...and it does not matter whether it was actually very cold if it was below forty degrees and there is a mention of snow anywhere west of ohio...said relative should really stick to what she knows about, namely what medication the doctors SHOULD have her and and what they atually have her on...

maryski said...

if only the elderly relative read your blog, it would be hilarious to hear said elderly relative trying to figure out who you were talking about...

Whit said...

Status report - I called elderly relative to see if I could get more fun weather comments. Sadly all I got was information on the proper care, cleaning and installation of curtains for the garage, and a desparate plea for suggestions of what to serve visitors for lunch. Actual converstation:

Elderly Relative:If it was just the girls I wouldn't be worried, but the boys are coming too and they have such big appetites. I just don't know what I'll serve!
Me: What about sandwiches?
ER: That's a wonderful idea!

And then we discussed the relative merits of ordering premade sandwiches from Wawa. Then about where the nearest Wawa is. Then do I have the phone number for Wawa, etc.

Also - I think you may be having delusions about the whole conversation anyway. ER mentioned that ER never gets to talk to you. When I shamelessly used that opening to ask if you ever called ER(seriously, I was desperate - who cares about whether you hang venetian blinds or curtains in a garage?!?!?!?) ER mentioned that you do occasionaly call, usually after receiving a gift, but then you vanish for up to 3 or 4 months.

There was no mention of your recent call and since we all know that ER would NEVER forget something like that, I can only assume you made it up because you're trying to turn the family against ER.

Grendel said...

That's terrible! You should really call your relatives more. . .
:)

Kate said...

Oh, Lord. I call at least once a week. To be fair, this conversation did take place last Thursday.

I could call *every day* and she would complain that I never call.

I even left out the bit about ER going on and on about how cold it was where she was, and then getting kind of mad when I said that it was 4 degrees here. Because, apparently, coldness is some sort of competition.

Kate said...

And wait--"usually after receiving a gift"? Dude, if that were the case I would only call three times a year. It must be so tiring to be so unloved.

Grendel said...

Coldness is a competition?

Hey, my ex would win hands down. . .

ba-da-dump-ping!

(sorry. couldn't resist. Did you hear the one about the blind golfer?)

Whit said...

Grendel - All conversations with ER that involve discomfort of any kind are a competition that ER must win.

For example - if you are in the hospital, say around Christmas, for an operation, ER will manage to be admitted to hospital by the day after Christmas. Seriously.

maryski said...

yeah, ER seriously said that the boys have such big appetites? I usually eat more than the two of them combined and i do not eat that much! i think ER thinks that we simply do not eat at all...and yes, ER has to win every competition while insisting tat she is "so lonely" when ER has packed days and about an hour to burn before bed...

Grendel said...

lol. I don't have those sorts of relatives. Mine are all crazy in different and usually less aggravating ways. :)

(btw, he drove his caddies nuts. The blind golfer. )

Whit said...

All my relatives are crazy - I'm the only normal, sane, well-adjusted one :)

The blind golfer probably had a better handicap (HA! Get it?) than most of the non-blind golfers I know...

Anonymous said...

Tori says: my butt your sane. We've all got the illness, and bad. I'm sure I'm in for it with ER, I haven't spoken to her after breaking the news of theengagement to Billy at Turkeyday...he was the one on the phone, I wasn't going to say "hey, can I talk to someone else, I have something important to say"...but I'm seeing a lecture in my future. Maybe I can just ask her to pay for the wedding outright, whaddaya think? :)